Something Concealed

Something I Concealed

Before I proceeding my words, I have to say sorry to all of you. I know everything I told before was just a pack of lies. My conscience is telling me what I had done before was a mistake, a fault that is unforgivable. Probably, when all of you finish reading my description later, you might upset or disappointed for I have been hiding something that I supposed to acknowledge and make it clear to everyone. I won't be doubt to say that many of you still remember a thing I ever said- about my health's condition. I understand that the ceaseless advices from my beloved friends are by all mean of concern. However, I have to express my apology for not accepting it all this while. I don't mean to be brutish or acting like a cold-fish. In fact, I just don't really want any of you worry about me. that's the reason why I kept on saying I was in good constitution. Should I say this is part of white lie? To me, it brings no harm to anyone but keep them away from unnecessary anxiety. I could comprehend everyone's situation in spite of my busy life. So, I don't want to cause trouble on others as I realised that life without fears, worries and stress is the most precious gift.Frankly speaking, a month ago, while busying teaching in my little classroom, the numbness on my feet and hands attacked in abrupt. To not interfere the lesson in progress, I stood strong of my own and trying to soothe my mind by saying that I would be ok. At first, I was in good control, but after an hour, I noticed my feet trembled and I couldn't feel both of my hands. Migraine came along that I dashed to the loo and threw up everything I ate in that morning. I gripped at my own fist and pounded at my heart, I almost passed out when the slashing pain occurred on and on. The unbearable pain was really hard to depict verbally. Although the pain had never ceased, when I thought of my students still waiting for me in the classroom, I had to be strong, I grabbed at the basin next to my left, and slowly stood up. Next, I walked to the classroom and pretended there was nothing happen on me. Undoubtedly, once I stepped into the classroom, every students curiously asking me if anything wrong with me. Somehow, I still insisted telling them I was all right. I knew my answer was a doubt to them. Some gave me a strange look while others scratching their head as to imply their distrust of my words. Without further ado, I continued my lesson as usual. Just in a blink of an eye, the first three hours class came to the end, and then I continued for the second and the third without food and drink. I didn't mean to skip the meals in between but the hectic moment deterred me from taking my lunch and dinner. After nine hours classes, I finally got the time to rest my mind, and my body. Everything happened unexpectedly, while I was about to take a chair and rest my feet, I fell to the ground all of sudden. I lost consciousness and lay still in my classroom for hours long without knowing by anyone, though my family members were around. But they thought I had to deal with the paperwork which often made me late into home. Two hours later, I regained consciousness. The joints in my arms and legs as well as every parts of the body were stiff and unable to move swiftly as usual. I cried in pain, yet no one heard of it. Slowly, I crawled to a nearby chair and used up all my strength to lift up my own body. Then, I rested for awhile before I could walk back to my home. The whole incident was still remained as hush-hush. Even if my mum asked me the reason being late into home, I just made up a story by telling her, I had many things to deal with in the classroom. Perhaps, you will ask me why I had to hide it from my mum. The reason is simple, she is a dialysis patient and a patient like her should not live with worries and stresses. No matter what consequences I encountered, I must not tell it out. The symptoms persisted for several times until last month, I decided to conduct a health screening at a local clinic. Before the blood test, I had a good conversation with the doctor; I told him every problem in detail. Then, he listed out the appropriate tests to run.One week later, I received a call from the clinic. A nurse was informing me about my blood test result could be obtained at anytime. I was quiet nervous and restless, I even asked the nurse to explain to me the test result through the phone. Strangely, the nurse refused to do so and just advise me to talk to the doctor my own. I was a bit frustrated that I grabbed the car key and drove off to the clinic in no time. Upon reaching there, I was the first in the queue. Soon, the nurse called up my name and I paced into the consultation room with fears. My heart throbbed and wondered what the result was. The doctor just smiled to me and asked me to take a sit right in front of him. To my stupidity, I put the record straight and told the doctor about my blood test result must be a positive. He was quite petrified at first, then he tried his best to cool down my frantic mind. Next, he explained the report to me patiently. To my horror, I heard of a word that I should not have to listen to - Cancer! I was diagnosed to have a colon cancer. Worst still, the cancer cells had widely spred in my body. In short, I was an end stage cancer patient!The sadness stroke in my heart at once, as I could not accept the doctor's explanation. He even claimed that six months later will be the end of the world in my life. I'm very sad friends, how I wish everything was just a dream. I don't really know what did I do wrong that I have to confront the death in this way. I still have a sick mother to look after, she needs me with everything. I don't wish leave her alone, each time she receives the treatment, she is always weak and sick, I just couldn't bear to see her suffers in this way. You might curious to know why I concern on her more than others in my family. Now, I'm telling you, she is my saviour at all the time. When I was younger, I encountered many deadly incidents, and she was the one who always came to help, she even risked her life to save me when I stung by bees. Yet, she sold out the valuable items just to pay off the dear medical fees. I know I won't be able to repay her kindness, due to that, I ever promised my own to do the best I can to give her a more comfortable life instead of living in poverty like before. But, I have to disappoint her now.Each day I walked through my life in these six months, I kept on tearing in silent, I afraid to tell them about my health condition. Not only my family members, my friends and my beloved students who concerned me not even had the faintest idea about my situation. Each time they greeted me with a simple “How are you?" I would definitely reply them with a positive answer. No one knew how dreadful the feeling was. At home, when I stared at my parents, my brothers and my sister, the feeling of reluctance was always hunting me. I missed their visages; I missed the time when we were having a good time together. I even recalled of my childhood, but everything was soon come to the end. Unconsciously, I came the final week in my life. There's nothing more I could do but just go on my routines. I had to put on my cap while teaching as clumps of hair fell each day. Some younger pupils who were still innocent kept on laughing at me for being a bald man. I beared with the pain and forgave them for jeering me in anyhow because I was clear enough about my situation. I told myself, no more anger and hatred in my mind. Meanwhile, the secondary students just showed a weird expression to me. Probably, some of them might have the answer in their mind. Time flies, I came to the forth day out of the seven's. I suffered from anaemia, my physical appearance greatly changed in these few days. I became a thin as a rake and my face looked extremely pale, I should say I looked more to a dead warm up. Due to the changes on me, my parents and other siblings began to realise of my illness. My mother cries badly, she told me that she didn't want to lose a good son like me as she was going to be lonely. It was because I was the only son who lived with her and always accompanied her. I tried to be strong and not even shedded a single tear. I soothed her in any way I could- "Mum, don't be sad. This is my destiny, I have to say sorry to you for being unfilial, I don't mean to be one, but I really have to go, mum." The whole situation turned gloomy when everyone around me shedded their tears. But, I remained out of word and felt despondent. The day before my death, I woke up in an extremely weak condition. I had to wait for my father to lift me up and put me on the wheelchair. I begged my father to push me to the classroom after sprucing up myself. I met my SPM students and informed them that the class would have permanently closed down. All of them were frightened and immediately questioned me for the reason. I knew there's nothing to hide anymore; I told them everything from A to Z. After hearing my shocking news, they cried and all of them said their sorry for they ever upset me in the class in previous days. All of them even embraced and encouraged me to be strong in fighting against the illness. In fact, I was in critical, and yet no more cure. To not disappoint them, I nodded my head as to agree. After informing them, I made several calls to some parents to acknowledge them about the termination of their children's tuition class. When I got everything done, I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach that I asked my father to admit me to the hospital. I knew it's time to go, but I still worried about my mother. I afraid no one would help her with the house chores, I worried that when she isn't feeling well, no one is going to give her a massage and bring her to see the doctor as my father works abroad in Indonesia. I bet she must be very lonely in later days. During my last breathe, I said my sorry to my parents for unable to look after them. I left this world without peace...


Dear my parents,
Sorry for my absent,
Your kindness I shall bring,
to wherever I go,
My instinct is living,
believe would one day return to you.



1979 words