MY doubtful Life

I don't really know why I have to be here. I don't even know what's the purpose of living in this world. I suffer the inner pain every single day without knowing by others. Before that, I had a very bad life experience. I was unconsciously involve myself in life that I shouldn't be. But, after a long and suffer some effort, I finally jumped out of that life circle. I met a girlfriend, who is understanding and caring. But, sometimes i don't really know if I supposed to drag her into my world. Again, I don't even know what my mum wants from me. I have too much expectation, I hold the position as a win bread in my family and I have so much things to do and worry about, but yet when i have a girlfriend, I should have a radiant and happy moment in my life. But, it's too wrong! In fact, I can't feel the happiness but more worries come out and more stress in my life. To me, my girlfriend is really a nice person. She is not a wasteful person, she cares about others feeling and she always supports me. However, on the other side, my mum just worrying this and that. Although she doesn't put the record straight, but I can comprehend her exact meaning. At first, she told me to look for a good girlfriend, but then she said wasn't sure if the girl I'm with now will keep her words. Like taking care of my parents. When I rest assure her that my girlfriend is really a kind person, and also a money saving person as she never spend a penny from me till now, then she started to say another thing. My mum told me if my girlfriend is very careful in spending money, probably after married and she won't give some money for her to spend in her olden days or may be she won't take her like her own mum. I was totally in doubt and stress. I told her in that case better I keep myself single forever. Then a big argument came out! She said I tried to hurt her with my words and saying that up to me, if I want to be single better don't go dating. Can you ever think of my feeling, how hurt and how stress when hearing all this. I just don't want to say anything back again because I don't want to make her overly frustrated as she is a dialysis patient. If anything happen to her, I will regret forever. But till now, I'm truely doubt of my own decision. Sometimes, I think it will be better if I leave this world earlier. Again, my daddy, put too much burden on me, he bought several cars and finally couldn't afford to pay it due to his old age, then I have to help him paying that since I have already pay off my car for six years and the finaly one will be seventh year. I thought after seven years paying the installment, I can completely free myself from the debt, and only responsible for my housing intalment. I was too wrong, my daddy needs me to help him continue paying another car for another seven years. I don't know how many seven years do I have. May be my dream will never ever realised. Not only that, I still have to responsible for my mum treatment fee which cost almost a thousand and also give her a thousand dollar for family expenses. I'm tired, I'm really really tired of my life. How I wish I can one day lay down peacefully and never wake up. I don't want to see everything no matter how beautiful the world is. Probably this will be the final way for me to choose in my life. Do you know, when seeing other people can live happily with their partner, and the ending with happy marriage and family, how envy am I. But while for myself I just worry this and that, each time I recall all these, my heart feel so pain. Feel like going to have a heart attack. How come my life has to be so dreadful since younger till now. And now, another thing i have to worry much, I don't know if I can married with my girlfriend, I afraid I cannot reach to her parents expectation, I afraid I cannot afford to marry her even 5 to 10 years later. And finally I afraid I will critic by her parents and her relatives for not able to reach their expectation or not having enough money for doing all sorts of preparations. I'm so much stress. Currently, my skin problem come back again, after many cream applied still cannot completely healed. I think I will go to the drug store and get any drug that i can and try them out. I don't want to care so much anymore if those medicines can damage my health or not.
I think my life is not important anymore. Sorry my girlfriend, I'm again and again disappointed you. because I dont really know what can I do again. ..sad...sad. I'm sorry on behalf you for finding such a useless man to be your boyfriend. Not only useless also give up easily and no courage in life at all.