Something Concealed

Something I Concealed

Before I proceeding my words, I have to say sorry to all of you. I know everything I told before was just a pack of lies. My conscience is telling me what I had done before was a mistake, a fault that is unforgivable. Probably, when all of you finish reading my description later, you might upset or disappointed for I have been hiding something that I supposed to acknowledge and make it clear to everyone. I won't be doubt to say that many of you still remember a thing I ever said- about my health's condition. I understand that the ceaseless advices from my beloved friends are by all mean of concern. However, I have to express my apology for not accepting it all this while. I don't mean to be brutish or acting like a cold-fish. In fact, I just don't really want any of you worry about me. that's the reason why I kept on saying I was in good constitution. Should I say this is part of white lie? To me, it brings no harm to anyone but keep them away from unnecessary anxiety. I could comprehend everyone's situation in spite of my busy life. So, I don't want to cause trouble on others as I realised that life without fears, worries and stress is the most precious gift.Frankly speaking, a month ago, while busying teaching in my little classroom, the numbness on my feet and hands attacked in abrupt. To not interfere the lesson in progress, I stood strong of my own and trying to soothe my mind by saying that I would be ok. At first, I was in good control, but after an hour, I noticed my feet trembled and I couldn't feel both of my hands. Migraine came along that I dashed to the loo and threw up everything I ate in that morning. I gripped at my own fist and pounded at my heart, I almost passed out when the slashing pain occurred on and on. The unbearable pain was really hard to depict verbally. Although the pain had never ceased, when I thought of my students still waiting for me in the classroom, I had to be strong, I grabbed at the basin next to my left, and slowly stood up. Next, I walked to the classroom and pretended there was nothing happen on me. Undoubtedly, once I stepped into the classroom, every students curiously asking me if anything wrong with me. Somehow, I still insisted telling them I was all right. I knew my answer was a doubt to them. Some gave me a strange look while others scratching their head as to imply their distrust of my words. Without further ado, I continued my lesson as usual. Just in a blink of an eye, the first three hours class came to the end, and then I continued for the second and the third without food and drink. I didn't mean to skip the meals in between but the hectic moment deterred me from taking my lunch and dinner. After nine hours classes, I finally got the time to rest my mind, and my body. Everything happened unexpectedly, while I was about to take a chair and rest my feet, I fell to the ground all of sudden. I lost consciousness and lay still in my classroom for hours long without knowing by anyone, though my family members were around. But they thought I had to deal with the paperwork which often made me late into home. Two hours later, I regained consciousness. The joints in my arms and legs as well as every parts of the body were stiff and unable to move swiftly as usual. I cried in pain, yet no one heard of it. Slowly, I crawled to a nearby chair and used up all my strength to lift up my own body. Then, I rested for awhile before I could walk back to my home. The whole incident was still remained as hush-hush. Even if my mum asked me the reason being late into home, I just made up a story by telling her, I had many things to deal with in the classroom. Perhaps, you will ask me why I had to hide it from my mum. The reason is simple, she is a dialysis patient and a patient like her should not live with worries and stresses. No matter what consequences I encountered, I must not tell it out. The symptoms persisted for several times until last month, I decided to conduct a health screening at a local clinic. Before the blood test, I had a good conversation with the doctor; I told him every problem in detail. Then, he listed out the appropriate tests to run.One week later, I received a call from the clinic. A nurse was informing me about my blood test result could be obtained at anytime. I was quiet nervous and restless, I even asked the nurse to explain to me the test result through the phone. Strangely, the nurse refused to do so and just advise me to talk to the doctor my own. I was a bit frustrated that I grabbed the car key and drove off to the clinic in no time. Upon reaching there, I was the first in the queue. Soon, the nurse called up my name and I paced into the consultation room with fears. My heart throbbed and wondered what the result was. The doctor just smiled to me and asked me to take a sit right in front of him. To my stupidity, I put the record straight and told the doctor about my blood test result must be a positive. He was quite petrified at first, then he tried his best to cool down my frantic mind. Next, he explained the report to me patiently. To my horror, I heard of a word that I should not have to listen to - Cancer! I was diagnosed to have a colon cancer. Worst still, the cancer cells had widely spred in my body. In short, I was an end stage cancer patient!The sadness stroke in my heart at once, as I could not accept the doctor's explanation. He even claimed that six months later will be the end of the world in my life. I'm very sad friends, how I wish everything was just a dream. I don't really know what did I do wrong that I have to confront the death in this way. I still have a sick mother to look after, she needs me with everything. I don't wish leave her alone, each time she receives the treatment, she is always weak and sick, I just couldn't bear to see her suffers in this way. You might curious to know why I concern on her more than others in my family. Now, I'm telling you, she is my saviour at all the time. When I was younger, I encountered many deadly incidents, and she was the one who always came to help, she even risked her life to save me when I stung by bees. Yet, she sold out the valuable items just to pay off the dear medical fees. I know I won't be able to repay her kindness, due to that, I ever promised my own to do the best I can to give her a more comfortable life instead of living in poverty like before. But, I have to disappoint her now.Each day I walked through my life in these six months, I kept on tearing in silent, I afraid to tell them about my health condition. Not only my family members, my friends and my beloved students who concerned me not even had the faintest idea about my situation. Each time they greeted me with a simple “How are you?" I would definitely reply them with a positive answer. No one knew how dreadful the feeling was. At home, when I stared at my parents, my brothers and my sister, the feeling of reluctance was always hunting me. I missed their visages; I missed the time when we were having a good time together. I even recalled of my childhood, but everything was soon come to the end. Unconsciously, I came the final week in my life. There's nothing more I could do but just go on my routines. I had to put on my cap while teaching as clumps of hair fell each day. Some younger pupils who were still innocent kept on laughing at me for being a bald man. I beared with the pain and forgave them for jeering me in anyhow because I was clear enough about my situation. I told myself, no more anger and hatred in my mind. Meanwhile, the secondary students just showed a weird expression to me. Probably, some of them might have the answer in their mind. Time flies, I came to the forth day out of the seven's. I suffered from anaemia, my physical appearance greatly changed in these few days. I became a thin as a rake and my face looked extremely pale, I should say I looked more to a dead warm up. Due to the changes on me, my parents and other siblings began to realise of my illness. My mother cries badly, she told me that she didn't want to lose a good son like me as she was going to be lonely. It was because I was the only son who lived with her and always accompanied her. I tried to be strong and not even shedded a single tear. I soothed her in any way I could- "Mum, don't be sad. This is my destiny, I have to say sorry to you for being unfilial, I don't mean to be one, but I really have to go, mum." The whole situation turned gloomy when everyone around me shedded their tears. But, I remained out of word and felt despondent. The day before my death, I woke up in an extremely weak condition. I had to wait for my father to lift me up and put me on the wheelchair. I begged my father to push me to the classroom after sprucing up myself. I met my SPM students and informed them that the class would have permanently closed down. All of them were frightened and immediately questioned me for the reason. I knew there's nothing to hide anymore; I told them everything from A to Z. After hearing my shocking news, they cried and all of them said their sorry for they ever upset me in the class in previous days. All of them even embraced and encouraged me to be strong in fighting against the illness. In fact, I was in critical, and yet no more cure. To not disappoint them, I nodded my head as to agree. After informing them, I made several calls to some parents to acknowledge them about the termination of their children's tuition class. When I got everything done, I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach that I asked my father to admit me to the hospital. I knew it's time to go, but I still worried about my mother. I afraid no one would help her with the house chores, I worried that when she isn't feeling well, no one is going to give her a massage and bring her to see the doctor as my father works abroad in Indonesia. I bet she must be very lonely in later days. During my last breathe, I said my sorry to my parents for unable to look after them. I left this world without peace...


Dear my parents,
Sorry for my absent,
Your kindness I shall bring,
to wherever I go,
My instinct is living,
believe would one day return to you.



1979 words

Cutie Cutie

艱苦的生活

大家好，歡迎來到悲哀的世界。

我現在的心情，就如一般烏雲。實際上，我的生活就是這麽的悲觀。我一直無法逃出這個悲觀的概念。理由很簡單，就是願意悲觀多過歡樂。今天，我又忽然感到生活不斷的壓縮我的腦海。它好像告訴我死亡的道路一直在前端等待我。果然不錯，在這幾天，身子老是覺得不舒服，哪知到了某家醫院檢查時，給我了一個很大的玩笑！

醫生：先生，請您安心坐下，我會慢慢的講解給你聼，可是請不要激動。
我 ：放心好了太夫，您說吧！
醫生：很抱歉，我們發現您已得了胃癌，是第三期的。請你做個心理準備。
我 ：（微微笑對醫生說）是嗎？那很好呀。

我的外表就是給人一個安心，也不願露出痛苦的一面。 我内心想一想，這也好，反正生活沒意義，得了胃癌也不是件大事。死了就一了百了。什麽都不想。況且只剩半年的命，就好好的利用時間做我喜愛的事，這樣對我會更好。

歲月不留人，很快的我將會和大家說永別了。我的人生也就到此爲止。。。再見。。。

MY doubtful Life

I don't really know why I have to be here. I don't even know what's the purpose of living in this world. I suffer the inner pain every single day without knowing by others. Before that, I had a very bad life experience. I was unconsciously involve myself in life that I shouldn't be. But, after a long and suffer some effort, I finally jumped out of that life circle. I met a girlfriend, who is understanding and caring. But, sometimes i don't really know if I supposed to drag her into my world. Again, I don't even know what my mum wants from me. I have too much expectation, I hold the position as a win bread in my family and I have so much things to do and worry about, but yet when i have a girlfriend, I should have a radiant and happy moment in my life. But, it's too wrong! In fact, I can't feel the happiness but more worries come out and more stress in my life. To me, my girlfriend is really a nice person. She is not a wasteful person, she cares about others feeling and she always supports me. However, on the other side, my mum just worrying this and that. Although she doesn't put the record straight, but I can comprehend her exact meaning. At first, she told me to look for a good girlfriend, but then she said wasn't sure if the girl I'm with now will keep her words. Like taking care of my parents. When I rest assure her that my girlfriend is really a kind person, and also a money saving person as she never spend a penny from me till now, then she started to say another thing. My mum told me if my girlfriend is very careful in spending money, probably after married and she won't give some money for her to spend in her olden days or may be she won't take her like her own mum. I was totally in doubt and stress. I told her in that case better I keep myself single forever. Then a big argument came out! She said I tried to hurt her with my words and saying that up to me, if I want to be single better don't go dating. Can you ever think of my feeling, how hurt and how stress when hearing all this. I just don't want to say anything back again because I don't want to make her overly frustrated as she is a dialysis patient. If anything happen to her, I will regret forever. But till now, I'm truely doubt of my own decision. Sometimes, I think it will be better if I leave this world earlier. Again, my daddy, put too much burden on me, he bought several cars and finally couldn't afford to pay it due to his old age, then I have to help him paying that since I have already pay off my car for six years and the finaly one will be seventh year. I thought after seven years paying the installment, I can completely free myself from the debt, and only responsible for my housing intalment. I was too wrong, my daddy needs me to help him continue paying another car for another seven years. I don't know how many seven years do I have. May be my dream will never ever realised. Not only that, I still have to responsible for my mum treatment fee which cost almost a thousand and also give her a thousand dollar for family expenses. I'm tired, I'm really really tired of my life. How I wish I can one day lay down peacefully and never wake up. I don't want to see everything no matter how beautiful the world is. Probably this will be the final way for me to choose in my life. Do you know, when seeing other people can live happily with their partner, and the ending with happy marriage and family, how envy am I. But while for myself I just worry this and that, each time I recall all these, my heart feel so pain. Feel like going to have a heart attack. How come my life has to be so dreadful since younger till now. And now, another thing i have to worry much, I don't know if I can married with my girlfriend, I afraid I cannot reach to her parents expectation, I afraid I cannot afford to marry her even 5 to 10 years later. And finally I afraid I will critic by her parents and her relatives for not able to reach their expectation or not having enough money for doing all sorts of preparations. I'm so much stress. Currently, my skin problem come back again, after many cream applied still cannot completely healed. I think I will go to the drug store and get any drug that i can and try them out. I don't want to care so much anymore if those medicines can damage my health or not.
I think my life is not important anymore. Sorry my girlfriend, I'm again and again disappointed you. because I dont really know what can I do again. ..sad...sad. I'm sorry on behalf you for finding such a useless man to be your boyfriend. Not only useless also give up easily and no courage in life at all.

我的不平凡的人生

人生變化無常，這句話我可用不着了。今年的我忽然走桃花運了，雖然給我遇上一位外表可愛的女孩，又非常有耐心且聽話，可是，在我的心中，我永遠是配不上他。眼看別的男人有了女友是一件非常開心的事，但對我而言切是一件又當心和傷心的事。有時我很想告訴她，放棄這份沒有結局的感情，可是我又怕傷害了她的心。她的年紀還輕，我不想讓她一次又一次的受傷。我真的不知道該怎麽告訴她才好。

老實說，我還是覺得我因該過單身的生活，畢竟我無法去滿足和給他一個快樂的人生。我經濟不許可，又沒有戀愛的耐心，我也無法接受別人的父母與家人，這樣的我簡直是沒有資格去戀愛。我的人生本來就是充滿壓迫感，如果這件事不趕快決解決，我恐怕有一天我會患上精神病，因爲早在十年前，我就患上精神緊張症，我不能受到太大的壓力和刺激，也無法受到別人的侮辱，如果真的遇上如此的情況，我會選這自殺以了結我的生命。我一路來都有自殺的念頭，只因我的父母還在世，需要我的幫忙，所以我硬撐下去。

我每一天就像在地獄裏生活，從不感到開心。我多麽想好好的躺在一個舒適的床上，然後一覺不醒，永別了這個痛苦的生活。周圍的人都不了解我真正内心的痛和苦，有時他們還會對我說，我的心態不正常，好像有點神經質，可能他們所說的一切是真的。就這樣，我不想我的女友爲了一時的愛，選錯了郎。我相信他還有更好的選擇，也不值得為我犧牲。我也相信，她有一天會體會到我所說的一切是屬事實的。

我認爲，以她的條件，因該找一個有志氣，穩重，有愛心和能給她幸福和性福的男人，而不是像我一個沒信心而且心裏失調的男人。有一天她一定會了解我的心態，選擇放棄。我不想大家都難過和受苦，我再慘也不願看到她和我一起痛苦。我相信古晉還有更好，更有財有實力的男人而且能實現她的夢想。

對於我的父母，我很抱歉你們有了一個那麽不孝的兒子。我心裏明白你們都希望我成家，可是過去的事永遠存在我的心裏，我無法忘掉。你們也可知道我自小就是活在悲觀的環境，我從小到大都對一切沒有期望，能夠活到今天可是幸運中的幸運了。這是我内心話，誰我都不說，只希望在此表明，好讓世界的人，和我最親愛的人能真正了解我不平衡的心態。

給我最親愛的女友，我沒有意要傷害你脆弱的心，可是離開我是一個值得考慮的事。我不想你到時更傷心。為我傷心是很不值得。我們還是到此爲止吧。。。我希望你能找到更好的男人。謝謝你給我一切的關心和快樂。我會永遠放在心上。

Vin

LArge Vegetables

A new life! Now I'm trying to live to the fullest by doing farming. It's great you know, the feeling is undescribable. I just could feel the joyful of doing farm work. See what I get as an outcome, everything just grown into gigantic size, in fact not up to the standard of world genius record, but i think what I did finally cheer my life. My mum just couldn't held to stroll around my little farm to see those vegetables growing from day to day. A lot of people being to reserve the vegetables and surprisingly, I have become a partime farmer!

嗨，大家好。我是這個部落格的主人。相信所有看過我作品的人，一定會認爲我是一位悲觀者。如果你的答案堅決，哪，你可錯了。寫作原本就是要把一切投入在内。選擇你當時的心情做為故事的基礎將會是你最大的成功！今天，我可要好好地向大家說一個最令我開心的事。

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還記得本人能過去如此悲慘的生活嗎？大家都以爲本作者已不再人間了。萬萬沒想到，當我絕望的那一刻，忽然打動菩薩慈悲心。自夏天夜晚，我如常上網和網友談天。不知不覺，來了一封電子信件。我打開了解其内容時，手腳無緣無故舞動了起來。“我不是做夢吧？”我一直自言自語。那封信件可不是普通人寫的哦，而是一位美麗的姐姐親自下筆。

我真的不敢相信，這位有如仙女般美麗的姐姐會願意和一位那麽悲觀的男生書信。起初，我沒有把很大的希望放在這位姐姐身上。因爲，我的心已經一次又一次被傷害，不想有再次的遭遇。説來說去，這位姐姐就是很特別。她的耐心，愛心和開朗心情很快的就把我這位弟弟改頭換面。只因姐姐的一句話（人是沒有永遠完美的，不完美的人總會犯錯，只要不傷天害理，一切就以得過且過為安之。。。）改變了我一生和挽回我寶貴的性命。自從那天開始，這位開心姐姐便帶來另兩位姐姐。簡單稱呼為Sunny姐姐，印尼姐姐和貓城姐姐。雖讓她們都來自不同的地方，可是個個都很關心我。處在關心之下，我現在的人生觀已不如以往了。現在的我可是愛笑又皮皮哦。、

爲何呢？原因簡單，三位姐姐都愛搞笑。不說你還不知，她們都是過來人！還記得一個月前，三位姐姐決定和我這位弟弟相見。當時的心情可是無法以言語表達，因爲她們就如我的開心女神。很快的，我們四人相見了，大家一伙沖到附近餐館用餐。然後，還去逛街，漫遊砂州河以及到海邊散步。我最愛的那個刻就是當日落時，它縂讓我體會到這世界是那麽的美麗，我不但用有一個那麽美麗的地球，還感謝老天爺給了我三位善良又有愛心的姐姐！謝謝您Susan 姐，佳玲姐和邱姐。你們創造一個美麗的世界好讓我這位弟弟過的更開心！這一切將會是我永不忘記的回憶。